Lies and Young Children

Question:

I have a problem with my 4 year old and I was wondering if you could give me some advice........ My son, Alex, wont stop lying. He lies almost about everything. How can I get him to stop lying, and how can I keep my 2 year old from copying her brother and keep her from lying?

Answer:

Children are born with an amazing creativity and imagination that often scares their parents to death when they see such tall tales and stories as 'lies.' At the age of 4, you have very little to worry about, as most young children are just beginning to learn the language skills necessary to communicate their amazing ideas and dreams and fantasies, and have not yet learned to a) differentiate between the fantasy and reality or b) understand the concept that sharing these dreams AS being real is not acceptable, for the most part.

When your son runs up excitedly, or mentions matter-of-factly, even, that he spent the better part of last night flying around the city with his new friend Flicka the Fairy, who gave him a magic wand and invisible pet weasel named Skippy that nobody else can see, instead of chastising him for 'lying,' or even fussing that such a tale is 'nonsense,' try an approach that encourages him to keep that wonderful creative imagination busy, while gently steering him to learn the difference between the real and the fantasy. Instead of, "That didn't REALLY happen," try "Wow, what a wonderful story! Don't you wish you really could fly? What do you think you would see, if you could? Would you be afraid? Let's see if we can find some MORE stories like yours to read!" Allowing your child to know that it is ALWAYS ok to express his wildest dreams in story form, while helping him to recognize those dreams for what they are is very important. Not to mention that sometimes I wonder just how much of our very young children's 'fantasies' really ARE!

There are only a few other reasons that children as young as your son would 'lie.' Most of these have to do with fear of punishment and/or denial of culpability for some wrongdoing, avoidance of responsibilities, plain and simple attention-getting, or the desire not to feel trapped. And face it; we ALL do that, or at least have done it, from time to time, if not in such wildly farcical ways as kids can come up with! You can help avoid your child feeling 'trapped' into these types of lies by being sensitive to the feelings he has, and phrasing questions carefully. Instead of saying, "Alex, did you clean your room?"  try, "I noticed you haven't done your chores today yet. Would you like me to help you get started?" Instead of, "Did you draw purple Q's on the living room wall?" Try, "You know, your writing is really nice, and I love the color purple, but the wall is not a very good place to practice your Q's. Help me clean this up, and we'll find you some paper, ok?"  A real pet peeve of mine is when parents ask 'loaded' or 'trick' questions like this of their children... it's dishonest, in and of itself, and not fair to the child.

These are very simple examples, of course,  but I think you can get the drift. Children respond much better to directness, clear explanations of your expectations, and guidance than they do to negative discipline at such an early age. Child psychologists seem to agree that, particularly for very young children, punishment for lying is not very effective. To a child's mind, you are punishing them for getting caught, which only leads to new attempts at deception, as well as closing down communication. And believe me, if there is one thing you NEVER want to do, it's to limit your ability to communicate freely with your children.

Another point to consider is how you react when you notice your child is telling a lie. If it becomes readily apparent that you are not going to be easily duped, and you demonstrate that even if you aren't losing your cool over it, you are going to confront any deception that is offered, you will lessen your child's need to create those deceptions. Saying something like, "Hm. You know, that just doesn't ring true to me. A lot of people make up stories when they are scared or feel trapped. Why don't you think about this for a few minutes, and when you are ready to talk to me, I'm ready to listen, because I love you." Of course, this example is probably more effective for a child who is older than 4.

If lying becomes a habitual and manipulative habit in an older child, and a parent is reacting to them in appropriate ways with no hint of improvement in the behavior, then there are other causes that can be investigated, of course. Experts have their little lists of 'possible conditions' that are indicated by obsessive or compulsive lying. However, before you run off diagnosing your son with some psychological or even physiological disorder at age 4, give that little imagination a chance to run free, within gentle limits. There's time enough when he will have to 'get down to reality.' I think too many of us try to squelch our kids into the real world too soon, and water down their natural magic. Keeping an eye on the 'problem' is not a bad idea; just make sure you're not viewing a perfectly natural expression of creativity as something to be stamped out and labeled as 'abnormal.'