Interfaith Marriage

Question: 

I am asking advice on how to deal with the fact that my husband and I are different religions. He was raised Baptist even though he no longer believes in having to go to church and proclaim your religion etc. He respects my beliefs and greatly understands that there is more than one path but doesn't believe I should raise our three daughters in the pagan religion. He doesn't want to actively raise them Christian either. He believes we should let them decide for themselves when they are older. I am having a bit of trouble with this because my twin 9 year olds are starting to ask more questions. I don't always have the answer where Christianity is concerned.  My husband agrees quite a bit with the pagan religion and I try to explain things to him as  best as I can but of course, I don't try to get him to "become pagan." I did get advice to just teach them the best of both, like the morals and wiccan rede. I am trying to become more active in my own religion but it is hard to have alters and celebrate the Sabbats at home without involving them on some level. I hope someone has some answers to this long question:)  I love the fact you have this for all the pagan parents out there!!!

Answer:

I think this is a problem that is very common among Pagan parents… and it's a concern for most of us, even if BOTH parents ARE Pagan! Many people come to a Pagan path as a result of having another, more mainstream religion 'shoved down their throats' as children, and are therefore somewhat reluctant to make the same mistake with their own children. When you have searched long and hard for a form of spirituality that is richly rewarding to you, the last thing any parent wants to do is to push them away from it!

First of all, you have much to be thankful for in that your husband is supportive of your spirituality. There are many of us who have been in quite different situations, and it is stressful for you, the partner, and ultimately, the whole family. I would make it a point of letting your husband know how much you appreciate that support! And it's also good that neither of you seems to feel the need to push your beliefs on the other. Especially as Pagans, we should never feel the need to proselytize or convert people; ALL paths to divinity are equally valid, if they work for the person and do not harm or infringe upon the rights of other people.

I say all this to point out that you have a good starting point, at least!

Now. As far as raising your children to be Pagan, or Christian, or any other faith. First of all, no matter WHAT you teach your children WHILE they are children, they are going to choose their own path when they grow up. If you don't believe this, witness the number of people who fall away from Christianity, or turn to alternative religions, or how many Jews don't remain orthodox, even when raised that way. (Although the Jews have a better track record; more on that later.) There are also many Pagans whose children have grown up to embrace other faiths, even though this is somewhat less common, a phenomenon I attribute to the fact that most Pagan parents HAVE that open minded attitude, and share their faith in a joyous way, rather than stuffing it down their throats and using it to batter away at their Wills and Individuality. But the bottom line is that while they will choose their own way as they mature, if you teach them NOTHING, that's what they learn. If they don't get their information from their parents, who love them and want them to make informed choices, then they are at the mercy of anyone 'out there ' with an agenda who wants to sway them to THEIR way of thinking, rather than giving them options and encouraging them to choose for themselves.

Since your girls are 9 years old, they are definitely older to start asking questions. I remember that as about the age when I started to explore, however childishly, my own spirituality. My suggestion would be to sit down and talk to your husband. Explain to him that you don't in any way want to force ANY particular form of spirituality on them, but that you think it is important for them to begin to be exposed to what each of you believes, so that they have a groundwork for choices that will be made in the years to come. I think that it is sad that so many people are forced to go through adolescence with no spiritual support system in place, no matter how nascent it is, since that is one of the most trying times of our lives! It sounds like you have an intelligent and sensitive husband, and as a father, I'm sure he wants to do what is best for your kids; perhaps it will provide him with a way to explain to the girls how he believes, and I'm sure that would be very special to them.

As far as having an altar, or observing your own holidays and the like, perhaps you could find a place that wasn't necessarily central to your home, to erect a small altar that would be permanent. This would allow you to have something your kids could see as a representation of your faith, and give them a catalyst for asking questions on their own. That way, you could give them information as they are looking for it, rather than sitting them down for a 'lecture' or expecting them to ingest the whole of your experience rather than learning it as they see you live it.

If you want to hold a ritual to celebrate, say, Mabon, maybe you could talk to your husband about it, give him an idea of what it means to you and how you want to observe it, and ask if he would like to be present for it, along with the girls, if not as a participant, then to learn more about you and to share in something that is very important to you. If he loves you, which I'm sure he does, I can't imagine why he wouldn't be honored that you want to include him in such a thing.

You could explain to him that Mabon is a time when we observe the fact that the day and night times are in balance, we celebrate the second harvest, and prepare for the winding down of the year at Samhain. As it is a time for recognizing harmony and balance, this might be a perfect Sabbat to being sharing with your family… emphasizing the balance between learning truths from those important to us and discovering them on our own… the harmony of having a Christian father and a Pagan mother, who live together in love and union together, where your differences can be recognized and valued, not used as a weapon to tear you apart.

If you or your husband doesn't feel comfortable with including him and the girls in the ritual itself, perhaps they could be involved with your preparations in some way. You can tell your girls the story of Mabon in the Wheel of the Year, take them with you for a walk in the woods to gather herbs and seed pods, etc., to decorate your altar, let them help you make a painting of the Green Man, or prepare a feast for your celebration, explaining the significance of the grains and fruits traditionally used. Perhaps tell them that this is a time of year when it's good to look back and see all the things you've accomplished as you let them help you decorate your altar, and use it as a time for encouraging them to think about all the good things they have done in the past year. These things can be done with or without your husband present, although I think they would make a lovely family time!

As far as your husband's faith, perhaps when it comes time for Christmas, he can tell them the story of Christ's birth, and his life, and what his teachings brought to his life. This would probably also be a good time to talk about the symbolism that is shared between Pagans and Christians… Yule and Christmas! Instead of competition and strife, find ways to share the beauty and love similarities of each of your paths.

Whatever you do, be open and loving and gentle as you approach the subject of spirituality with your girls. They will be the richer for this kind of heritage, and although it will take creativity, patience, and cooperation, I can't imagine a better cause for such effort than your precious children!