Domestic Violence

Question:

I am in desparate need of some advice. Here is the whole story . . . I have been dating this guy, Mike, for 2 1/2 years, and our relationship started off great. We had met through a mutual friend and instantly had a connection because we are both Pagan. I had not met a Pagan men before and was very happy to have finaly found one and the best part was the we had very similer tastes in lots of other areas too.

After about 5 months of dating though, I found out that he has a girlfriend all ready and has been with her for 5 years!! I know I should have ended it then, but I just could not make myself do it. I had already fallen for him and I did not want to loose him. So we have been going on like this for 2 years with him going between me and her. It's not the best arrangment, but I can deal with it because I know he will leave her some time soon. He tells me so every time we see each other or talk and I know he's not lying.

But another problem has come up in this situation too. His girlfriend (Lisa) has told him that she is pregnat a week ago and he told me a couple of days ago. She says it's his, but he promises and swears to me that it's not, because he promised me that even though he lives with her (he moved in with her almost right after I found out about him being with her) that he is not sleeping with her and has not slept with her for a year. My problem here is that he's not trying to find spells that will cause her to have an miscarage so he can end things with her and just be with me and also because he does not want to have a baby in his life now. Even though I want him to end it with her and be with only me, I don't want him to do that because of three fold return and comeback. Do you have any advice to give me so that I can talk him out of doing anything really stupid that will ruin our lives?? Please?? I know this is very complacated so if you take a while to answer I can understand it.

I had one more question too if that is okay. I wanted to know if you knew of any spells or ritauls that I could do to make him be more nice to me when he's stressed and upset?? He's normally a very sweet guy but latly when he's been upset about something or stressed out and I'm with him he has been yelling at me and calling me really mean names even though I didn't do anything wrong, and he also hit me a couple of times. But before you think he's a compleate jerk or something I want to make clear that he only slapped me, never hit me with a closed fist, and some of those times that he's hit me were really my fault for getting him upset when he was all ready stressed from work and his girlfriend. I would really like any help with this because I hate it when he's mad with me!! So that is it. :o) Thank you for all your help!!

Answer:

Unfortunately, the advice I have to give you is probably not what you are going to want to hear, but I promise you that I can relate to your situation. When your heart is screaming out about how much you care for someone, it’s very rare that your head is going to have much of a chance to be rational. However, I hope you will at least consider what I have to say.

First of all. If you are like most Pagans, you understand the concept that the Goddess is WITHIN you… not just some distant being that ‘watches over’ all of creation. You, yourself, are part of the Goddess; you belong to Her, and you are, in a sense, the essence of the divinity of the Universe. As such, you should be treated as the special, gifted, valuable individual that you are. It is very apparent to me that this man is not, nor has he been, doing this. While his behavior would be setting off warning bells in any case, the fact that he, too, is a Pagan and is still treating you this way makes it a five-alarm fire, in my book. Let me attempt to explain.

Whether he wants to be with you, or wants to be with the other girl, he is being disrespectful and damaging to both of you. And believe me, he is lying to one of you. No one has the right to drag another person along through the kind of situation he is putting both you and the other girl in. He’s obviously wanting his cake and wanting to eat it, too, as they say… either that, or he is a coward, and has no strength of his convictions. If he truly cares about you, he will NOT continue to live with this other girl and expect you to be willing to go along with that (unless, of course, you both have a desire to have an open or poly-amorous relationship, but I don’t get the feeling this is the case, here.) Even if all the rest of the situation weren’t as complicated as you explained, he would still be in the wrong… VERY much so, and you are not being true to yourself, or good to yourself, to allow him to continue to do this. You ask about ‘spells’ to ‘make him be nicer to you;’ I tell you with complete certainty that because you are already allowing him to treat you horribly by making you a second-class person in his life, you are giving him permission to treat you poorly in every other aspect of your relationship. Simply put, he will have no respect for you as long as you have no respect for yourself, and letting him treat you like this is definitely not going to give him the message that you understand that you are worth better treatment than he is giving you. Beyond the fact that doing a spell to ‘make’ someone do anything, even if it is something they should be doing to begin with, is contrary to what most Wiccans and many other Pagans hold as a very important principle of behavior, it’s dirty, messy, dangerous work and ninety nine percent of the time is going to backfire all over you.

If you are familiar with The Charge of the Star Goddess, by Doreen Valiente, you will remember these words: Let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you. And you who seek to know Me, know that your seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: For if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without. Let’s look at your situation just in light of this truth.

One: Beauty and Strength? I would call what he is doing ugly, plain and simple. When one person loves another person purely, unselfishly, and is willing to give of himself or herself to that person, that is beautiful. Being deceitful (to either you or her, whichever it is), expecting you to put up with his inability to end the relationship, even as he claims to want to, and treating you poorly, speaking to you harshly, and I don’t think I even need to mention HITTING you (and I’m sorry… physical violence is physical violence, whether it is a slap or a punch)… these things are not beautiful and they do not signify strength. A strong man would have the courage to say to one or the other of the two of you, “I’m sorry if I’ve misled or hurt you, but I’m in love with the other person,” and he would end it honorably. Only a weak man would be so full of selfish, childish, irresponsible character traits as to keep you ‘hanging’ all this time. His actions fail utterly to match up to this test.

Two: Power and compassion? True, he obviously has ‘power over’ you, as you are willing not only to stay with him but also to put up with disrespect, dismissal, and outright abuse… and still defend him! However, this is not the kind of power spoken of here in relation to the power that comes from the Goddess. The power She gives is the power of love, light, goodness, and strength… NOT the ‘power’ of manipulation, deceit, emotional blackmail, and brute force. And if he is truly seeking to cause this other girl to have a miscarriage, there is not a shred of evidence that he has any compassion within him, either.

Three: Honor and humility? I think we’ve already covered the ‘honor’ part. Merriam-Webster defines honor as ‘a keen sense of ethical conduct.’ There is no way his behavior could be construed as being ethical; in fact, it’s outright DIS-honorable. And there is no humility evident, either; pride and selfishness are what cause a person to treat others in this way, NOT humility. (A further note, here: humility being a worthwhile virtue, it does NOT mean that you should let someone walk all over you; that is false humility… it’s low self-esteem masquerading as true humility, and is not worthy of someone with the awareness of the Goddess within her!)

Four: You cannot change this man. You cannot cause him to change, make him change, plead with him to change, force him to change, or shame him into change; if he does not find the right path within himself, he will not find it at all. You will not cause him to treat you better by casting a spell on him. You will not keep him from bringing Karma or the threefold return of seeking to harm others down on his head, if he is determined to do so. All you can do is continue to allow yourself to be demeaned, mistreated, and hurt by giving in to his manipulative behavior. I promise you this; there is not one thing YOU can do to bring about ANY change in him, in this situation. I HAS to come from him.

Now. All that being said… is there any hope for your relationship with this man? If, in fact, after you open your eyes to exactly how far short of decent human behavior he has fallen, you still want to try, all I can say is this. Your only real chance at managing anything even approaching a meaningful, mutually beneficial, mature and loving relationship is to start acting like the Goddess that you are. Refuse to let him continue to treat you this way. If you want a monogamous relationship, make that clear. There are obvious aspects of this relationship that are unacceptable and hurtful; draw the line. Explain to him what he has been doing that is hurtful, and tell him that you are no longer content to be treated this way, then hold him to his promises, if he makes them, to change himself. Don’t nag him; simply refuse to accept the poor treatment. If he does not make a choice between you and the other girl, tell him that it is his choice to make; but it is your choice NOT to be in that position any longer, and so long as he refuses to change that, you are not interested in a relationship with him. I promise you that if you lose him over this ultimatum, you have lost NOTHING YOU EVER REALLY HAD BEFORE.

If I were you, I would sit down and do some serious thinking about why you have allowed yourself to be abused (both emotionally and physically) in order to hang on to this relationship. Do some meditation, and visualize yourself as being worthy of respect, kindness, and love… which you are! Get this image into your head, and compare it with how he has been treating you, and what message he is really sending… remember, his actions speak MUCH MORE CLEARLY about how he really feels that his words do.

As someone who has seen many friends in similar circumstances, I would caution you to consider very carefully whether you should pursue this any further, to be honest. If you truly love someone, would you care so much less about their feelings than your own that you would intentionally harm or hurt them, just because you are ‘tired and stressed?’ What would you think of a mother who came home after a hard day at work and slapped her child? Do you see yourself ever being able to treat someone that you truly love in this way? Unfortunately, people who are capable of such behaviors are very often in need of serious counseling and help, and going through that process with someone is a huge commitment. I would offer the advice that he has not done anything to suggest to you that he is worthy of that kind of commitment, at this stage.

I realize that this is pretty harsh. I haven’t decided whether or not to post this on the site, yet, because I have been pretty blunt with you. But let me tell you, sweetie, as one who has seen more horror stories in my life of women who get sucked into relationships like this… they don’t get better. They get worse. I know it seems like it would be the end of the world to lose what attention of his that you DO get… but think of it this way… just imagine what wonderful man there is out there, who will NOT cause you so much pain and so much stress. It has taken me 38 years to find such a person. I had to send one ex-husband and a couple of potential boyfriends packing because, quite simply, I know with absolute certainty that I am worth far better than that. I refused, flat out, to be treated with less than total respect. Yes, I was lonely for a time. But now I have someone in my life who adores me, who would never hurt me, never lash out at me in anger or use his words to cause me pain, someone that I know with all my heart that I am completely safe with… perfect love… and perfect trust.

If you would like to talk further, please let me know. I have harped on the negative, here, because I think that it is important for you to see things as they really are. Until you do, there is no hope for a normal relationship… all you can hope for in your present situation is a dysfunctional, miserable pairing with someone who obviously doesn’t consider you worth much of an effort. As I said, if you decide it’s worth working on, then once you get your eyes open, you set some limits down on how you expect to be treated, and stick to your guns, there is always hope… The Goddess is powerful, and if he seeks within himself, She can show him the Path to that beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility. Work on those things in yourself, as well… and you will stay on the right path.